Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

I forgot how to panic. Help

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.