This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something