This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
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Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).