This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
DOOO EEEET
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
wait a minute….
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.