This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
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If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
wow
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?