This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
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Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA