This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
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ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS