This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this