Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

some things should go without saying

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him