Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven