When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.