This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
![]()
You Might Also Like
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
![]()
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.