This made me smile…
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Guys which shade of gery should I get
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.