This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
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I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
she has a point
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?