This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
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We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich