This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
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Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster