Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

I only treason on days ending in y

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”