This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I was bored.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.