When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-
Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark
…Ok a FISH is-
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.
*Dating a Jealous dude*
Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.