This made me smile…
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i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
This did not end as expected.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
just got my engagement photos
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
when you don’t want to be too vague
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?