@HWarlow

This made me smile…

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@starsnbars7

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

@shanethevein

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

@briangaar

Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police

@TheBeerGuy73

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

@iamspacegirl

A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-

Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark

…Ok a FISH is-

Pix: YES.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

@feverboner

People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.

@iam__kaycee

*Dating a Jealous dude*

Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone

@amselts

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

@QueefTornado

She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.