this made my day 😂
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MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”