this made my day 😂
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*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Worst bar ever.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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We’ve come full circle
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.