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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now