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Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
PLEASE READ
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
You had me at “define legal”.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”