this made my day 😂
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Wait a second…
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Not today. 😅
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home