this made my day 😂
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The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.