this made my day 😂
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me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first