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“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool