this made my day 😂
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There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.