Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

That’s it.I’m out.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.