this made my day 馃槀
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Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can鈥檛 say the same things about my boyfriend.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don鈥檛 think the laugh track is necessary
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I鈥檓 one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: Wow, this one鈥檚 super dirty. I鈥檓 going to leave it to soak
Wife: That鈥檚 our daughter and no you鈥檙e not
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
4-year-old: What鈥檚 that?
Me: A vegetable you won鈥檛 like. If you don鈥檛 tell Mom, I鈥檒l take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don鈥檛 do that
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
This one takes the trophy 馃槶馃槶
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.