HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
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Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Guy Fieri sisters name is Girl Fieri
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”