this makes me so uncomfortable
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interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Interior design 👌
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too