this makes me so uncomfortable
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I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
The Sun
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.