Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

Has science gone too far?

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT