This makes total sense…
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me sliding into hell like
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming