This makes total sense…
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My teenage children choosing violence
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
🤣😈🤣
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!