This makes total sense…
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
all that yoga finally paid off
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo