This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.