This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.