This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god