This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
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Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
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Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.