This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”