This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
You Might Also Like
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*