Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*