Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog