this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
It has been 3 years since Monday.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.