this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
NASA has no chill
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.