this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay