@seamussaid

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

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@WhatevaConc

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

@clichedout

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

@TheCatWhisprer

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

@SirEvisiae

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

@Rollinintheseat

When you’re talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@MissSassy_Pants

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

@Darlainky

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

@stephenjmolloy

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.