this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.