The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
50+ [ ]
me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
*dog tackles me from behind*
When you’re talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Librarian: One day that will work.