this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
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kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.