Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”