This may be my favorite dog video ever.
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[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
wut hotdog?
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine