Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.