Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.