“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
You Might Also Like
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac