Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater