“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.