This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Mmmm canned fish.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.