This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.