this… may be the greatest story ever told
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[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington