this… may be the greatest story ever told
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Husband of the year 😂
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”