me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
No chill.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.