This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
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My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
