This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*