This meal prepping shit easy
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Mornin
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
When I laugh on my period
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?