This meal prepping shit easy
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The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Cool shirt 🙂
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Seek kebab; not attention
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.