This meal prepping shit is easy
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.