This meal prepping shit is easy
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People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.