This meal prepping shit is easy
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.