Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

wow he looks just like him

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.