This meeting could have been a cake
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
learning about math 🧐 📝
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.