This meeting could have been a cake
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
