This meeting could have been a pajama party.
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cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”