This meeting could have been a pajama party.
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Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
lol
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Good news
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!