This meeting could have been a pajama party.
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MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Do one person every day that scares you.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends